I need more touch and more lob on that toss, Bobby. His toss to Cale right before he’s swinging by his neck like a tetherball is reminiscent of an Anthony Richardson fireball to the flat. Everything else Bobby does is a disaster. That’s a positive expected value (EV) move. I will give credit to Bobby for screaming at Cale to shut the fuck up right away and telling him not to move. If I, not a dumbass, am at the helm, I’m identifying the hanging key very quickly and handing it to my best bud Cale before I ever play the tape. You’d think the players would have learned that by the seventh movie, but Bobby is a dumbass. Hangman’s Noose ( Saw 3D)Ī rule of thumb in any run-ins with Jigsaw is to assess the situation before playing a cassette tape or making any rapid movement. But I’m only 29 years old, I have staved off the trendy millennial vape addiction, and I ran a marathon in March (humble flex). I’ve ripped more cigs than I’d like to admit, and I didn’t swim in high school. I would need to have better lung capacity than this 52-year-old habitual smoker with a history of heart disease to come out of this nightmare without exploded ribs and chest cavities. Should we avoid the metal cage in front of us that clearly looks like a trap?” SWAT PERSON #1: “Remember, we’re pursuing a serial murderer known for torturing and killing people in sometimes imaginative, but mostly basic traps.” There are two easy ways to escape: pull off a Tarzan swing like our guy Bobby does, or lower yourself to the point where you can land comfortably in between the surprisingly dull, well-spaced-out spikes. Yes, moving the dial across all five positions in one quick twist breaks all of the fingers on your right hand, but it also avoids having your eyeballs sucked out their sockets.) 71. (If it was real, getting out alive is as easy as preheating a ’90s oven. Ultimately, though, it gets no further on this list because, well, it wasn’t real. It beats out the dream sequence in Saw 3D because the envisioned trap is a fun one: A thieving custodian has to break all of the fingers on one of his hands within 60 seconds to avoid having his eyes vacuumed out of his head. It’s a vision Kramer experiences in the first 20 minutes of the film. The main movie poster for Saw X isn’t even a real trap. Sounds terrifying, but obviously I’m surviving and waking up a bit pissed that I didn’t get a fair crack at a real trap. The vehicle splits her in half and leaves each of her arms hanging. In her nightmare, Jill Tuck is hung up by her hands in front of Mark Hoffman, who fires a spiked mini-train at her chest. I want to say the Saw masterminds are better than a dream sequence, but at this point this was their seventh movie in seven years. One last thing: The ranking will proceed in order of most survivable to least. On the flip side, I also was generous to any traps for being iconic, overtly creative, or whatever the hell I want, because the list is ultimately supposed to be fun, of course. It’s a code of honor, of sorts, so I’ve accordingly reflected any breaks with that code in my ranking. Jigsaw might put a victim through excruciating torture, but he always-theoretically-gives them a chance to survive. I also considered the fact that a number of these traps are designed to be inescapable, because Jigsaw’s loser accomplices (looking at you, Amanda Young and Mark Hoffman) don’t always adhere to Jigsaw’s vision. To determine the level of survivability, I created a proprietary score system accounting for physical trauma, psychological duress, and the complexity of the trap’s rules. There’s a lot of TV out there. We want to help: Every week, we’ll tell you the best and most urgent shows to stream so you can stay on top of the ever-expanding heap of Peak TV.
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